As the stomach turnsMany of you have wondered where I've been have left me inspiring messages and notes of support. Your caring is very much appreciated. My computer monitor recently died, which limits my online access. But that's just a tiny thing compared to my ongoing family concerns.
This weekend I comforted a daughter in tears over our unstable living arrangements and finances. And my son, with whom I still live, emailed me the following:
Mom,
We need to set aside some time in the near future to talk. I was going to chat w/ you last night, but by the time you got back, I was tired and ready to get in the bed. But the issue at hand, of course, is our current living situation. I've talked to people about it and prayed about it as much as I can, but we're now coming to a point where I think there has to be a change. It's nothing against you personally or anything that you've done, but I'm just unable to function constructively or socially without having my personal space and time. And I'm not talking an hour here or there, I mean overall. Whenever you first came to stay, I realize that it was because of necessity, but it was also meant to be temporary. After eight or so months, I can't see an end in sight and unfortunately i really can't continue as is for much longer.
I know that things are difficult, but for my sanity's sake, over the next few weeks I think it's essential that you start making alternative arrangements as far as a place to stay. I'll help in whatever way I can, but since I had to replace my car, my extra money is now gone. I was planning on helping you out on a monthly basis whenever you got your own place, but now those funds have gone into the truck, taxes, etc.
So I don't know whether you can find an actual permanent place within that time span or if you can find a friend or relative who would be willing to house you for a few months until you can get everything in order. I'm not trying to "put you out" but I'm at a point where I need to get my place in order and get my life in order and I'm unable to do that until I have a peace of mind at home. Right now I'm beginning to enter into a depression over this situation and I can't allow that to go any further. I'm sure this isn't the most "convenient" time to begin looking for another place, but there's really never a convenient time for a conversation about this. But I've been putting it off for a few weeks, but have realized that it really is time to put certain things in motion. So hopefully this isn't upsetting. If you want me to talk to anybody, let me know.
I probably won't be home until late tonight, so we might not be able to discuss further in person until tomorrow. But hopefully you understand.
Love,
Your Son
My son is a very loving, generous young man. No mother wants her child to be distressed. My son didn't have to write me to tell me that he was depressed. I could already feel it. And it makes me sad.
I hope that my daughter, grandson and I will have a place to call home soon. Our homelessness could have been avoided if my brother, who thinks he owns the "family house" (my parents' house) would move aside so that I could move in. My brother lives at the house part-time for political reasons. My brother has his own home, where he lives with his family.
My parents' names are on the deed to the house, not my brother's. My dad lives elsewhere. My mother is dead. My brother simply is blocking my moving into the home because he thinks he can. Up to now, my dad has allowed my brother to get away with it. But my father is finally seeing the light.
My blood pressure is high, and I've been experiencing severe stomach distress for weeks. My job responsibilities have changed, and our school district is about to be taken over by the state.
I'm not stressing out about my job. Despite the political and emotional turmoil students, parents and staff are experiencing, I am enjoying my new assignment because I feel that I am making a difference. I was asked to be a part of the transition team. It's hard work, but I like challenges.
Back to my personal life: I still find opportunities to smile. Today my grandmother (my mother's mother) celebrates her 96th birthday. Grandmother's body may be weak, but her memory is still good. And she still charms everyone she meets. That is a blessing!
tags:
naomi-usa, 
journey to naomi
15 comments:
Naomi, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time! I am sure you can handle it and make it all work, but I wish you had it the easy way at least a few times :) I hope you manage to move to your parents house with your daughter and grandson, I am sure you will all feel a lot better when you are back together.
Happy Birthday to your grandmother! An Aries, just like me :)
I have to write this on the day I am celebrating my own birthday, Happy Birtday to your grandson.
Coming to actual problem, I dont expect a son to write this email. No, no minsing of the words. If I can feel the pain, why cant he.
Wish you settle things as sooner.
My hopes and prayers go in your direction.
Ian
Utterly sad situation.
Naomi, good luck with everything! I hope it all turns out just fine. And hope everything will immediately improve for you.
your in my thoughts and I send you only positivity and happiness.
Naomi,
I can see by the comment you made to Sirazi that you understand what your Son is trying to say. He seems like a very sweet son and is trying to be as kind as he can but he's reach his limit. I really feel for you and your situation. I only lived with my single son for a little less then 3 months and I could see how it bothered him even tho he never said a word. Except every once in a while have you found a place yet mom. lol
You may not be able to wait until you and you daughter can be together, you may have to find a small cheap apartment somewhere so that you can concentrate on helping your Dad while giving your son his space at the same time. What ever you decide to do my thoughts and prayers are with you! I know how hard it can be. Been there, done that. Good luck.
Alina, B and Exseno - thank you. Please accept a hug from me!
Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I listened to a "therapy" session that is a daily segment on a local radio station. Listeners write in with problems. The hosts are not professional therapists and don't pretend to be, but they offer their take on each situation. So do callers.
Yesterday's letter, with a couple of exceptions, could have been written by me. It was about a woman who had had a good career and home - and lost it all when she suddenly lost her job. Like me, she had children. Like me, she had a family who offered her little or no emotional or practical assistance. What bothered her the most was that she had hoped that her family would help the children. I understood.
"I'm an adult," she said. "I can tough it out as a homeless person as long as my children are OK."
I tried to listen to the conversation objectively. But before I knew it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs - driving down the highway - headed for work. Tears were streaming down my face. My commute to work is 30 minutes. I spent 3/4 of that time screaming.
The woman who wrote the letter said she wanted to disown her family. Clearly, she was angry. She said that before her current situation, her family members always came to her when they needed something, and she always helped them. I'd been there, too.
I don't hold any anger against my family, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel frustrated from time to time. This time last year, my father told me that I'd just have to go and stay at a homeless shelter. I told him that a homeless shelter was not an option for my daughter and newly-born grandson. If was tough, but we managed.
As you can see now, my dad has changed his tune. He is so proud of his granddaughter and his great grandson. He's watched as my daughter stayed on the honor roll at school, completed her graduation requirements a semester early, got accepted to college, took care of her son, and worked. My grandson is a smart, happy and healthy child.
Back to the radio: I changed the station. I thought religious music would help me. It did. The first song that came on has the lyrics "I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name." I cried even harder and sang along.
I think that I cried and screamed that morning because I simply had to get it out. I told God that I knew that a breakthrough was just around the corner - that I strongly believed that He (God)already had a plan in place for me. But at that moment, I was just tired.
Needless to say, I was a little drained by the time I arrived at work. Luckily for me, it was a cold morning, so other drivers didn't hear this crazy woman screaming at the top of her lungs as she sped down the highway. :)
I got to work an hour early, so I had time to get re-energized. I greeted my coworkers with a smile when they arrived. I was able to focus on a really tough project on which I was working, and I met my deadline.
It's important to understand that family may not "be there" for you in tough times. In my case, I learned long ago that when it came to family, only my children had my back.
I'm still waiting to hear from my church. I think the church's silence has been the most hurtful, but I know that I can't let that get me off-focus, either.
No one here who comments on my posts has ever met me face-to-face. But it doesn't matter. Your prayers and caring words have made a big difference in my life.
And I will never, ever forget that.
Exseno, you have offered me some very practical advice. I really wanted to get my family back under one roof, but I may have to go the transitional housing route first, and leave my daughter where she is. It's just tough because the day before I got the email message from my son, my daughter was in tears. At that moment, she was tired of living in someone else's home. But she got over it and is smiling as we prepare for her to go to prom. She thought I wouldn't be able to give her the money she needs. I told her that I would never deny her the opportunity to go to prom. We'd have to work with a very modest budget. We got it done, and my daughter is going to look simply gorgeous next weekend. :)
You have such great talents and your strength is so admirable. Beyond all the words that you have written, one can easily feel that you CAN go through the storm victoriously. Keep your spirit up naomi, things can only get better when you trust Him. As we always say whenever we feel down, "there's no other way but UP".
Hang in there. You can make it! Hugs to the cutest grandson.
sarah
Wow, Sarah! You are one great motivator! :-)
You are right. There is no way but up! Any strength that I have comes from God. My friends here represent the icing on the cake. :-)
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I'm going to hang in there, as you advise. I'm a bit too stubborn to give up. Here's to character-building moments. :-)
A few questions cropped up in my mind after reading this.
For many years after children are born, they, very obviously, take almost all of their parents' personal space and time. The parents care for their young ones 24x7. Then, why is it that they do not ask their children to 'make alternate arrangements' and move out of their houses for all these years?
If I were the son in this situation, I would try to work harder and save some money, so that my mother and I could move into a more spacious house/flat, where we could both have more personal space and time.
At the very least, I would not ask my mother to move out until I was able to help her financially with getting a new place of her own (although it is still an option that is more than difficult for me to understand).
Another question I might have asked myself is, "My mother carried me around in her tummy for nine months and she has lived in my house for only eight and I am getting tired of her already?"
Sidhusaaheb, you and Shirazi make me smile. Do you know why? You care so much that you don't want to let my son "off the hook" on this one. :-) My next post will be an "open letter" to address the comments and questions you pose.
Naomi, I am so sorry to hear about your misfortune.
I think it is horrible that a son can think like this, I don't understand it. I would never ask my mother to move out if I knew she cannot and I would not be so selfish as to think that she is not giving me the space. But I guess this is the difference between men and women. Men are always more selfish and do not consider even their mother's feelings. I am sorry I talked in a bad way about your son.
I hope the situation will be better in the near future for you and your family!
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